


CRACK! Subway on Mars

by Drowned_in_Feels



Category: Buzzfeed The Try Guys (Web Series)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Mars, Please Do Not Take This Seriously, Sandwiches, Subway, The Try Guys, Try Guys Eat Sandwiches, and decided that it was time to write that, and have rewatched the video recently, basically when keith said we could work in a subway on mars i decided to write that, crackfic, had the idea when the video came out, rated G because all the sandwiches in this are actual sandwiches, space travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 10:38:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17486576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drowned_in_Feels/pseuds/Drowned_in_Feels
Summary: Keith and Eugene are running a Subway store on Mars. Ned and Zach are also running a Subway store on Mars. One of these stores is more efficient than the other.





	CRACK! Subway on Mars

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by what Keith said in the end of the "Try Guys Recreate Fan Fiction" video. Please only read this if you have seen the video. [Here's a link.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72i3XhRcn0s)
> 
> I usually try to create good content for my fandoms and I feel a bit ashamed for actually posting this but maybe someone wants to read it.
> 
> Warning: This is bad writing. But honestly, isn't that part of the charm of crack!fics?

Humanity was in the process of establishing its first ever colony on Mars. After being in contact with native Martians for several years, the leaders of Earth had deemed it safe for humans to settle on their planet. Of course, this development took place under serious negotiations with the Martians who were excited to be sharing their home with humans. They were deeply curious about human culture and wanted to know all about their neighbours from another planet.

Naturally, given their innate curiosity, humans wanted nothing more than to move to Mars and explore this whole new world. So, the colonisation, if one could even call it that, happened with mutual agreement and excitement.

As the Martians were eager to learn about human culture, the humans did their best to bring their culture over to their new home. Obviously, a huge element of culture in general is food and what better to represent human food habits than Subway.

When the company Subway announced that they were planning to branch out to Mars, people felt confused as well as content that they could get their favourite sandwich, even on another planet.

However, Subway was also looking for a couple of brave sandwich artists who were willing to leave their old life behind in order to embark on a journey to bring Subway sandwiches to the Martians.

The first people to volunteer were none other than the Try Guys, a group of charming YouTube entertainers, who felt very well-fitted to the job at hand. The people at Subway responsible for the Mars Project were delighted to have such a prestigious group on board and promptly offered them an interview at Subway HQ.

The Try Guys were nervous because they really wanted to land this job but had no previous experience of working as sandwich artists. When the day rolled around and they found themselves sat in the office of the CEO of Subway they didn't quite know what to say in order to impress him. Luckily, he was already set on hiring them regardless of their credentials.

However, he had bad news for them.“I'm sorry, guys. As much as I would love to hire all of you, we only need two sandwich artists for the Mars Project.”

“I'll do it!”, Keith and Eugene exclaimed in unison. They then turned and looked at each other in surprise while Zach and Ned stared at them in disbelief. They were appalled that they would abandon them just like that and go to Mars without them.

“Well”, Eugene smiled and shrugged, “I guess, it's just you and me, Keith.”

“Now, hold on a minute!”, Ned interrupted, “You can't just go to Mars without us! We're supposed to be a team, remember?”

“Yeah, that's right!”, Zach pouted and crossed his arms.

“Well, you see,” Keith tried to keep the peace, “he said, only two of us can go so if we have to split, I guess we split.” He gestured apologetically.

“No!”, Ned shouted. He jumped out of his seat in anger. “This is unacceptable! Zach and I, we're gonna go to Mars, too. And we're gonna open our own Subway! And it's gonna be better and bigger than yours!”

“Yeah!”, Zach chimed in. Then, he turned towards the CEO of Subway. “Can we do that?”

“Yes! Excellent idea!” The CEO stood up in celebration. “Twice the Subway means twice the profit for me!” And then, he laughed. So, that was settled.

 

 

A few months later, the Try Guys had completed their astronaut training and moved to the settlement on Mars. They were still not on speaking terms due to the falling-out that they had had with each other at Subway HQ.

It was the opening day of their subway stores which were located right across the road from each other. A crowd of Martians had gathered outside. They had formed two queues, one on each side of the road. They were excited to try food from Earth and curious about why there were two identical stores opening up right opposite each other

Keith and Eugene were standing behind the counter of their subway store. They were wearing matching aprons and watching the crowd outside. They felt anxious as this was their first day working for Subway and they didn't feel capable of serving all the Martians waiting outside.

“Are you ready?”, Eugene asked.

Keith gulped and nodded. He didn't feel ready but there was no going back now.

“Oh, before I forget”, Eugene reached into the large front pocket of his apron and pulled out two devices that vaguely resembled hearing aids. “Since we both don't speak the Martian language I got us these off Space Amazon. They're automatic translation devices that are gonna help us understand our customers better.”

“Thank you.” Keith took one of the two devices and plugged it into his ear. He still didn't feel too confident but at least he wouldn't have to deal with a language barrier now.

 

 

Over on the other side of the road, Zach and Ned were trying to prepare themselves as well. Ned had grabbed Zach by the shoulders and was shouting in his face. “We got this, Zach! You hear me! We're gonna do this! And we're gonna be the best at it! Way better than Keith and Eugene! We're gonna crush this!”

Zach was voicing his concerns. “I don't know, Ned, neither of us are very good at making sandwiches and we know nothing about Martians.”

“Doesn't matter!” Ned let go of Zach's shoulders and walked over to the front door. He was trying to hype himself up. “Wooo! Let's do this, baby!”

Zach adjusted his glasses and apron as Ned opened the door. The first few very excited Martians entered the store. They were looking around, taking everything in, while slowly making their way up to the counter where Zach was stood.

“Welcome to Subway!”, Zach greeted them cheerfully, “How may I help you?”

The Martian who was first in line responded but Zach couldn't quite make out what they said. “Sorry, could you repeat that?”

The Martian repeated their words but Zach still couldn't understand them. He turned to Ned who had made his way back behind the counter. “Uhm, is it maybe possible that the Martians don't speak English?”

Ned blankly stared at him, dumbfounded. “I don't know.”

He turned towards the Martian. “Do you speak English?”

The Martian replied in the same gibberish that it had used to talk to Zach.

Ned and Zach looked at each other. “Well, this is gonna be great.”

 

 

Meanwhile, Keith and Eugene seemed to be doing just fine. Their first customer was already happily eating their sandwich while they were busy preparing their next orders.

The translation devices were working well. They weren't perfect: sometimes there was a crackling noise or sometimes they didn't pick up everything that their customers were saying and then they had to ask them to repeat themselves. And of course, the issue that the Martians didn't have their own translation devices and could therefore not understand English themselves still persisted. Keith and Eugene were left with a lot of gesturing to get their part of the conversation across but the Martians were very polite and happy to experience this inter-cultural exchange. Overall, communication was very bumpy but working.

“This is so easy”, Eugene said to Keith as he was putting sauce on the sandwich in front of him and then wrapping it up, “We're so much better at this than Ned and Zach.”

“How do you know?”, Keith replied while putting a six-inch sandwich into the toaster. “For all we know, they could be doing just fine over there.”

 

 

Ned and Zach were not doing just fine. They were trying their best but it was hard to make sandwiches when you couldn't understand what your customers wanted on them. Sometimes, they guessed and put what they wanted on there, only then to be shouted at by the Martian in front of them for getting their order wrong.

Zach was getting more and more frustrated. “Listen, I cannot understand your language!” He talked slowly and over-enunciated all of his words. The Martian in front of him gestured wildly and babbled furiously in his language. Zach rubbed his face with his hands.

Next to him, Ned was getting angrier and angrier until he was in full-on tantrum mode. “If you can't tell me what you want”, he shouted at the Martian on the other side of the counter, “then why are you even trying to order a sandwich!”

The Martian responded loudly but Ned cut him off: “I can't understand what you're saying! This is ridiculous!”

The Martian was gesturing wildly while shouting back at Ned who turned towards Zach instead of replying. “Why are we even working here in the first place? We're Youtubers, for god's sake, not sandwich artists! This doesn't make any sense!”

The Martian in front of Ned waved to get his attention back before he continued to shout gibberish at him. “You know what!”, Ned snapped, “If you want your sandwich so badly, here you go!” He proceeded to throw a sandwich at the Martian's face.

As the sandwich hit the Martian, the store fell silent. “Ned, stop!” Zach grabbed him by the shoulders. “We can't risk an inter-galactic war over sandwiches! You need to calm down!”

“No!”, Ned exclaimed, “I'm not gonna calm down! But you know what? I quit!” He tore off his apron and threw it onto the ground. He walked around the counter and faced the Martians who were waiting in line. Zach was watching him, in shock of what had just happened.

“Listen up!”, Ned addressed the crowd of Martians in the store, “You can now have all of the food in this store for free!” He gestured expressively to get his point across and the Martians understood him.

As Zach followed Ned towards the front door, the Martians were already climbing over the counter while more and more of them poured in from outside. They were stuffing their faces with untoasted bread and eating the vegetables right out of their metal containers. Everyone was trying to get their hands on something to eat. It was chaos. Ned and Zach left the store before a fight could break out.

 

 

On Keith and Eugene's side of the road, they noticed that their customers were starting to leave their store and run to the other Subway store instead. Of course, the ones that had already placed their orders stayed but the queue was slowly disappearing.

“Woah, woah, woah”, Keith addressed one of the Martians, “what's going on?”

The Martian couldn't have understood what Keith had said but it wasn't hard to guess his question. “Apparently, they're giving out food for free over there”, the Martian explained with the help of Keith's translation device.

“For free?” Eugene frowned. “That doesn't make any sense.”

“No, it doesn't”, Keith agreed. “But we can't let them steal our customers! So, we're gonna do the same thing!”

He raised his voice so that everyone left in the store could hear him. “Everyone come back! You can eat for free here, too!” He gestured along with his words so that the Martians could understand.

They started pouring back in from outside and moved behind the counter, pushing Keith and Eugene outside. They were filling themselves up with all the food they could find. At first, Keith and Eugene wanted to intervene and help them prepare proper sandwiches but they quickly realised that they stood no chance against the mass of Martians.

Outside on the road, they ran into Ned and Zach. “So, this didn't work out”, Ned stated.

They all nodded. “Does this mean that we can all be friends again now?”, Zach asked.

“Yeah”, they all agreed and hugged.

“So, did anybody film any of this?”, Eugene asked the other Try Guys as they watched the horde of Martians feast upon the remains of their two Subway stores, “because this would make for a great video.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my lowest moment on this godforsaken website. Please leave some feedback.


End file.
